So this past week I've been feeling really low. Depression isn't something I'm too familiar with but I would say I felt depressed. It's not a mind state I've spent much time inhabiting, but there's no denying when it's there. You just know. It took me almost a week to move through it and here's what I learned.
In the playground of Life I'm personally torn between two worlds, or two philosophies if you like.
1) That truth lies in finding the middle way.
2) That we have a huge and grand potential that we're not living.
I've swung between these two philosophies for about 10 years now. I started by believing number 2. That I had a grand potential and that my mission and purpose was to follow that expansiveness and be the fullest version of me that I could.
I learned about the Law of Attraction, of manifestation and the ability to steer my thoughts wherever I wanted. I achieved amazing results. It was a life full of WOWs.
But then I hit a wall. In fact, I continually hit walls and was often able to break through them (with effort), but breakthrough I did.
That same journey led me towards the Buddhist teachings where I discovered Vipassana (insight) and Mindfulness (presence). I learned that being with What Is was a pathway to inner peace.
That worked too.
From the outside (or from what I've just told you, at least) you'd think I'd found not just one, but two ways to be at peace. But the opposite is true.
Yes, I have multiple tools that help lead me back within, back to the middle way, where equilibrium resides. But the truth of those paths is that they're also tumultuous. Because Life is tumultuous.
No matter what tools you have, life is a rollercoaster.
Just when you think you've got this, along comes an ex, or a conflict, or a move, a new job, a run-in with a colleague, and you're back in your head, screaming from the walls of your internal prison that Life Isn't Fair and It Shouldn't Be Like This.
And, the big one … Why Aren't I Further Along The Path Than This?
This is where I landed this week: I had 3 major conflicts in the same amount of days. I was angry. Blocked. Unmotivated. I felt mentally unhinged. So I sat with that.
And I pondered the two philosophies that I believe in. I saw how they appear to be in conflict. one says think big, the other says pull it back in.
But then I found a new way. A deeper path.
And it goes something like this…
Within each of us is the seed of awareness. It's bright and soft and pulsating, and it's the same for every single being on the planet. Maybe even the trees and plants for all I know.
It pulsates freely and in rhythm with the Earth. It has no agenda. It wants for nothing. It just is.
It feels expansive and joyful. And it's always there.
What I realised is that my philosophies are judgements. Ideas that I've either bought into or created. But the awareness is broader and deeper than that. It doesn't require me to understand it in order to be able to serve me. It's always there, pulsating in time with Love.
And it set me free from a week of understated frustration.
When I was opened up to that inner essence, I could feel my joy returning. I remembered once again that there's nothing for me to say or do and there's no right or wrong. Awareness is all that matters.
Because without it, there'd be no point.
I'll go into that in more detail in another blog, but for now I wanted to share my experience because it's been a big one for me. A reminder that Life is bigger than needs and wants, and awareness doesn't care or judge if I have a good day or a bad one.
So if you're uncertain about where to turn or how you're going to 'fix' your future, I say this:
Let your eyes close for a moment.
Let your senses drop into the heart.
Sink deeper and become aware of the part of you that's aware you're having this experience.
Stay with it.
Sink even deeper. Become aware of the awareness.
Notice how it's light and deep all at once.
Notice how it pulsates gently but purposefully.
And know that that awareness is you.
That you are greater than any worry or concern you've been having.
You are part of something far grander and wiser than you can ever know.
Tune into it whenever you need. It's always there for you.